Journal Entry/ personal Diary. Father’s Day June 21, 2020.
60 years and still have not laid my eyes on him or her. I don’t even have a picture to see what either of them look like.
Yes, I have experienced 60 of these days of special celebration for the Fathers of the world.
To ANY dad out there who just might recall having a son born on August 28, 1959 at 0747 AM 60 years ago, please let it be known that your child is still around, and still have not seen you in all this time.
He is doing well and all of the many years of heartache, tears and loneliness has transitioned into blind ambition and sheer determination and a sense of self validation, that is borderline extremism.
He has no emotional bonding of mother or father because they do not exist in his life. Nonetheless he did not use that as an excuse for failure. As a matter of fact the very fear of failure is what has made him a very driven man.
Occasionally he looks on the a map to find the tiny country of Liberia located in south west Africa where his roots are from a father who may be there.
He no longer questions the circumstances of why you are not a part of his life. He has come to except it as a part of God’s bigger plan and purpose.
And while he did not like the process of living 60 years with the loneliness of not having a father, he absolutely loves the end results.
He absolutely loves the person he has become through all the trials, pain heartache and unspeakable loneliness. He was pleasantly surprised at just how much strength he has.
He did not want to become a statistic as a fatherless child. The statistics say he should be dead, on drugs, incarcerrated, homeless and doing horrible with a life that is a disaster and completely out of control. He is none of the above.
Instead, he is driven by a relentless fear of failure and the need for self validation. It’s the only way he knows.
Also, perhaps you may want to reach out to his mother who he has never seen also because time is growing short for all three of us. Time is NOT on our side.
Death will soon seal our fate, if it hasn’t done so already.
I’m still here, I’m still waiting, I’m still living, somehow I am still breathing.
The heart and soul that used too long for you, is now numb. It has been numb for many years.
As I recall it went numb the day I graduated from Marine Corps Boot Camp when I was standing all alone with special honor and no one there to see me graduate or give any accolades.
At that moment, my numb heart was replaced with the raging fires of ambition.
You might be glad to know that I am not a career criminal, alcoholic, drug user, or a menace to society.
Let’s just say that life has been interesting so far. If you could see the movie of my life, I think you would smile, be amazed and mystified all at the same time.
I had had many careers, and currently I chase white lines down the highway in a tractor trailer. A couple of side interests and passions of mine are writing and cycling. Done a few things to see what I am made of such as two 50 mile ultra marathons, and a host of other things too numerous to speak of.
I have written and published two books, with three more projects half written and hope to publish in the next year or two.
And for what it’s worth if you are in contact at all with the woman who gave birth to me, tell her thank you very much and I appreciate the greatest gift she could have given me.
I will forever be grateful to her for giving me this opportunity to get to the starting line of the race called life. I know she had a choice and I am certainly glad she chose to let me run this race called life.
Even though I may not ever see you or her, I want to thank you to both. Thousands, if not millions of children never even had the chance to get to the starting line.
And to be honest, I will never hold it against you, but there are a ton of things I wish I could have gotten some guidance and wisdom from you about. I have made some of the same mistakes over and over, but there is nothing I can do about that, so I have had to learn some lessons the hard way.
I guess it’s a good thing that the Bible says that God himself is a father to the fatherless. I have found that to be true. So just know that I am in good hands. He has done a wonderful job of taking care of me for all these 60 years.
He is going to call me home soon, probably in twenty five years or less, and if you and my mother are there with him then maybe we can all meet each other for the first time.
If not, it will be OK, because God has it all under control and I trust him with the results even if I don’t understand the process.